Star Prospect Left Chasing His Tail

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One of the many highlights of the first-ever virtual draft this past weekend was the rare, intimate look into the homes and families of these high-flying NFL execs who can appear anywhere from heatless to overly sentimental to inhumane depending on your team loyalties. This leads us nicely to the goodest of boys who expertly selected Kyle Dugger from Lenoir-Rhyne with the 37th pick. Of course, we are referring to Nike Belichick, the canine companion of the 6-time Super Bowl winning coach of the Patriots. Ever since the NFL's pyjama Olympics (combine), Nike has had to come to terms with never playing in the NFL. The sadistic rule-setters decided that he was, in fact, ineligible on account of his 4 legs and superior intelligence. His football IQ is clearly higher than the Steelers center who failed to snap the ball on command. Nike pointed to the black cat who famously played in the Cowboys and Giants tilt on Monday Night football last year. "obviously it has nothing to do with the 4 legs. Cleary, they have an inferiority complex, that cat was all over the field. Then he showed the athleticism to evade way more humans than Saquon ever could, even with his stupid quads." Nike is currently in the process of appealing the decision with a fair chance of success. As such, it would be considered a lack of due diligence if we didn't compile this scouting report on Nike.

Position: Wide Retriever
40-yard dash: Absolute zoomies
Favourite player: Barkevious Mingo

Character: At times can appear that he is incentivised by treats rather than football. Very obedient, sometimes to his detriment; cornerbacks would tell him to 'walk'. Needs to work on his carrying. Will chase penalty flags when thrown.

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