VAR Hangs Up the Camera

The first year of VAR being used in the Premier League has been an up and down affair. Controversy has shrouded its use leading to many fans demanding its exclusion from the league.

 

After a long first season, The Puttdown has been told that VAR has decided that it is time to hang up its video recorder. We were able to get an unprecedented interview with VAR to get their thoughts and feelings on what has been a tumultuous first (and final) year in the league.

 

The following interview has been edited for clarity.

 

The Puttdown (TPD): How do you think your year has gone?

 

VAR: Not great, if I was being truthful.

 

TPD: Why do you think that?

 

VAR: Every day has been very stressful. I turn up to work hoping for a pleasant day, but I can barely go a game now without something going wrong. It gives me anxiety attacks; pretty sure I’m losing all my hair, I’ve got wrinkles on my face that weren’t there last year.

 

TPD: When did you start to notice things beginning to go wrong?

 

VAR: It was very early into the season. I remember vividly, I was showing a replay of an offside and they started drawing these weird lines on my screen, I thought “What are they doing?!”. Next thing I know they gave offside against this player, his armpit must have been offside, and they took like 10 minutes to make the decision. It was crazy. I was thinking that they were only going to use me for clear and obvious decisions. I couldn’t believe it. That’s when the abuse started really.

 

TPD: What was that like?

 

VAR: Oh it really sucked, I remember a game a few months into the season, I was used to rule out a goal for Crystal Palace against Liverpool, next thing I know, I hear the chant “Fu*k VAR” from the stands. I couldn’t believe it. I went home that day, to my wife and kids and they couldn’t even look at me, they knew what I had been through but didn’t know how to respond. I looked at my phone and had about 100 Whatsapp messages from the guys taking the piss. I know they were just trying to be funny but it really hurt.

 

TPD: Did you ever speak to anybody about it?

 

VAR: No, who could I turn to? I remember thinking that there was no way I could see this whole season out. Every game the refs would use me for some decision that wasn’t clear and obvious, and every time it would make me look like a fool, even though I had no say on what decision they made.

 

TPD: How did you feel when the season came to a sudden halt?

 

VAR: It was great, I mean I had a good break from the sport. I could go outside and enjoy myself, the sunshine, the sounds of the birds, no stress about what the weekend might bring. I even thought that they would let me go, put me on the shelf for a while, there was no way they thought it would be a wise decision to bring me back, just go back to the way it was before.

 

TPD: I guess you weren’t happy the season wasn’t Null and Void then?

 

VAR: Not one bit, and to make things worse, there are games every day now. Before I could at least go a few days without having to worry about going into work, but now every day I wake up in the middle of the night stressing about what’s going to happen. My wife even kicked me out of the bed because I couldn’t sleep. To make things even worse, they televise the games at 3 on Saturdays. That was one of my brief bits of rest, at least until Match of the Day started, then the analysts would start tearing into me.

 

TPD: What made you decide to quit?

 

VAR: The breaking point was the handball in the Tottenham game. Moura gets tripped up and has the ball belted at him from point-blank range, the ball falls to Kane and he scores. I see the ref make the sign for VAR, I instantly think here we go again. I put up the video and they start looking for a handball. I'm thinking there's no way they overturn this one. Next thing I know he gives a handball, and to make it worse, they don't give the foul on Moura. Luckily there aren't any fans but I notice my phone starts buzzing widely. I check at half time to see that I'm trending worldwide on twitter, that's when I knew it was time to quit. 

TPD: what're your plans now?

VAR: To be honest I think I am just going to take a break and consider my options. I know there are a lot of other sports that use video technology so I will probably apply for a job within one of those. Hopefully, I won't get as much abuse and slowly I might be able to earn the respect of my family and peers again.